How to B.S. Your Way Into A Job
They’ve been lying to us the whole time. They told us to study hard, go to college, and get a degree. If we follow those 3 simple steps we’re guaranteed to land a good job that we can toil away at for the next 40+ years. But as most of you know, that’s absolute bullshit. A diploma doesn’t even make good toilet paper these days. If you ask most of my college-educated friends, they’ll tell you that their degree didn’t help them get the cushy job that they’re holding down at Starbucks or the much coveted graveyard shift in the call center. Conversely, I’ve known people who have been able to make do without a degree, and without holding a job for longer than a year since 1999. Now that’s gangsta!
So how can you do it? How can you improve your chances of landing a job in today’s backwards economy, where folks with degrees are getting the shaft, while us poor, “uneducated” saps are swallowing up all the jobs? All together now: BULLSHIT!!! That’s right. You’re gonna have to B.S. your way into that entry-level hellhole. Most overpaid consultants might refer to my practice as “effective interviewing,” but I have to call a spade a spade. Here are a few tips for George W-ing your way to a payday:
1 The Resume – This is the cornerstone of your bullshitting. Most recruiters are going to look at a gang of resumes that look like yours. Bottom line – make yours stand out. Spice it up a little. Make your menial little job look like the most spectacular job in the world. Instead of saying, “I answered phones” at your last job, say “I managed the communications system that connected end users to the appropriate solutions channel”. Something like that – you get the idea. Just make it seem like it’s a lot more important than it really is.
2 Your Appearance – If a recruiter shows enough pity to drag your sorry ass into an interview, make sure you look right for the part. But before you run out to get that special interview suit and get your hair all chopped up, remember this – for your own pride’s sake, don’t let them KNOW that you need a job! The new suit and new haircut scream, “please hire me at any cost”. Go in an outfit that you’ve had for a while; look relaxed. Leave your hair looking like it did the day before. Let them get a good look at the employee that will be there a year from now, not the fake “wax museum” look that most folks carry on interview day.
3 Beware of Group Interviews – They’re just big dog & pony shows. Recruiters do this when they don’t feel like taking the time to interview people individually. They want to see how much of an ass you’re willing to make of yourself around other people. Do what most of the people there AREN’T doing – speak only when necessary. Don’t jump at every question like a lot of idiots. Be the person that people will listen to when you speak. Just for the record, I hate group interviews.
4 The Interviewer – For one-on-one interviews, remember to make eye contact the whole time. Don’t look down or sideways at all. If you hate making eye contact, stare at their forehead. They won’t know the difference. Eye contact makes you almost believable when you’re bullshitting. Keep that in mind.
5 Dramatic Pause – Take your time when answering questions. If you don’t have your lie together, just tell the interviewer that you need a couple of seconds to think about the question. They’d actually prefer you to take your time, so make use of it.
6 Talk The Talk – Just a few hints when answering questions from the recruiter: never say anything bad about your current or previous job. If they ask, you didn’t quit – you got downsized. You’re trying to leave your current job (or left your last job) because you’re looking for a better opportunity. If they ask about your performance, you’re always among the best at what you do. You can’t accept failure. Commit that to memory, and you’re as good as gold.
7 The Follow Up – This is going to sound really sappy, but it works because hardly anybody else does it. Within 24 hours of your interview, send an email or leave a voicemail thanking the recruiter for their time, and reassuring them that if they need to contact you, they can call you at ______. That small gesture goes a long way.
Mind you, these are just the basics. Practice bullshitting with loved ones and those close to you to develop the intricate details that will enhance your “effective interviewing”. The next time you shake hands and sit down with an interviewer, smile and relish in the fact that you’re about to feed them a face full of quality B.S.
